Cacophony
by heart dipped in invisible ink
Summary: In which Raven and Rita somehow manage to tie the knot without bringing about the apocalypse. Slight Rita/Raven.


**A/N:** Somehow when I had this idea in my head, it seemed so much fluffier with a dash of crack to it. But when I typed it all out, it seemed to refuse to bow to the awesomeness that is Rita/Raven. I tried to add some fluff to it, but I don't really think that it worked all too well. Also, now that I read it over, it could be interpreted simply as a crack fic.

The first part takes place in a random bar in the lower quarters. The second part takes place in Estelle's room in the castle. And the third part takes place in a random hallway which is, again, in the castle.

* * *

><p>There had been a small party thrown in honor of Rita's twenty-first birthday along with celebratory congratulations of her latest scientific findings so intricate and complex that even if Rita had tried to explain to her friends about what it was, they would probably be lost at the very first sentence. So yes, the main reason for celebration was for Rita's first cup of alcohol. And then her second cup. And then her third. And so on.<p>

By the time it was three in the morning, nearly all of the members of their motley crew had left with the exception of Raven and Rita.

"Stupid!" shrieked the enraged and highly intoxicated mage. "I told you to get me a Bloody Mary! Not a monkey!" She waved said object of scorn at the extremely blurry figure in front of her. In actuality, Rita was simply holding an empty mug and screaming gibberish at a lamp.

Behind her, Raven, who was slightly tipsy but still somehow managed to keep a hold on some of his sanity, watched on in amusement. It was only when he heard the familiar chant for Meteor Storm that he decided to intervene.

"Rita darlin'," he began cautiously, taking hold of her arm to drag away from the lamp. "I think it's 'bout high time that I get ya home."

"What? Hell no you old fogey!" Rita stomped on Raven's foot in a fit of anger.

He winced slightly at the pain that shot up his leg but didn't let go of her. "Come on, Rita, fer once just listen' ta yer elders!"

"You're not that much older than me, dummy," she snarled but then immediately lost her venomous look. Rita then immediately burst into tears.

Raven gaped in awe.

"I—I just wanted to stay a little bit longer!" came her piteous wail. "That's all I wanted! But nobody ever lets me have any f—fun!"

If Raven actually had a heart, it would have went out to the mage, who was beginning to look too pretty for her own good, right then and there.

"Alright, alright." He heaved a great sigh as if he were making a huge sacrifice. "We can stay. But only fer a few more minutes-

It was at that moment that Rita decided to hug him with extreme enthusiasm. She proceeded to squeal girlishly. Raven looked about ready to faint.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! Raven you're the best! I love you!" She let go of him and he promptly lost all feeling in his legs, collapsing down onto the floor like a foldable chair.

He wasn't quite sure which was worse: the constantly angry and violent Rita or the drunk-off-her-ass Rita.

A sunny bright smile was tossed his way and suddenly Rita knelt down on one knee before him, taking one of his hands in her smaller ones.

"Old Man, will you marry me?"

For all the things that he did after, Raven profusely blamed the alcohol.

* * *

><p>"Rita! Raven! What happened to both of you?"<p>

Rita angrily stomped her way past the princess, dragging Raven along with her.

"Hey Old Man, mind telling us why you're handcuffed to Rita?" called Yuri, who was reclining in one of the few armchairs situated around the room.

"Well the gist of it is that Rita was drunk off her ass last night and I was longin' fer the youth that I never had—although I will admit that I was slightly buzzed," was Raven's answer. He held up their linked hands to show the group. "And somehow this happened."

"Oh my," said Judith. "That's a lovely ring that you have, Rita. Isn't that one of those marriage rings?"

"Marriage?" sputtered Karol and Estelle in unison.

Rita scowled.

Raven grinned.

Repede barked his blessings.

"Yes," Rita ground out, massaging her throbbing head with her free, un-cuffed hand. "Unfortunately, it is."

"Congratulations," came Judith's amused response. "You two will make a wonderful couple."

Yuri chortled with laughter. "I just have to know, who popped the question? Was it you Old Man? I'm surprised you're even still alive if you actually did."

Raven waved his hand at the swordsman with an air of a blushing bride. "Aw, nah. Not little ol' me. It was Rita darlin' who popped the question here; totally swept me my feet." He wiped a fake tear from the corner of his eye. "Even told me that she loves me! It's true love a tell ya!"

"Wow, Rita, I never knew that you had it in you!" Karol exclaimed and received a smack to head in response by a passing Rita. "Ow!"

Estelle, whose eyes sparkled at the word 'love', squealed excitedly. "Oh, Rita! I'm so glad you've found true love! This is so exciting and—" here her eyes seemed to dim a bit when a strange thought hit her. "Oh no!" she then cried out in alarm. "This is terrible! I've just realized that you two didn't properly complete the human mating ritual!"

The group proceeded to stare at Estelle, whose face was graced with a very scandalized look with a hand over heart as if she were to keel over at the very thought of it.

"The human mating ritual?" echoed Karol with a blank look on his face.

She nodded vigorously. "Yes. I've read about it in a book once." Everyone groaned at this. She closed her eyes and recited: "_The human mating ritual is the process in which a male and female are attracted to each other due to hormones and proceed to create new life. There are three phases to this ritual: the Meeting, the Bonding, and the Rite of Love and Trust. The Meeting is the shortest phase out of all three; it mainly consists of the time in which the male sees a female and depending on the level of hormones, he will then proceed to stake out his new mate. It may happen the other way around as well, but in most cases, it is the male who stakes out new territory. Following the Meeting, is the Bonding; the period of time for this varies greatly on the hormones of the male and female. It may only last for five minutes or it may stretch on for many, many months. This is when the wooing occurs. It is tradition for the male to woo his female target. Wooing consists of long romantic walks on the beach, picnics in the park, candlelight dinners, and numerous little presents for the female. During the period of bonding, the male and female will constantly meet and slowly build up their relationship; however, not all relationships that are made are strong and healthy; sometimes it is weak and fragile. And when enough time has passed based on certain circumstances, the last and final phase will take place; it is known as the Rite of Love and Trust. But before that, there is sometimes a transition that occurs from the Bonding to the Rite of Love and Trust. This transition is called Marriage. Marriage is simply an amaranthine agreement between the two mates that says that they shall forever be together for the rest of their lives. After transitioning, the bonded pair will stake out a secluded spot for them to complete the human mating ritual. It usually happens at night, but is not restricted to any particular time of day. The Rite of Love and Trust is said to be a wonderful experience for all; the man and woman will unite as one being in mind and in body and that will usually strengthen their wonderful bond. This uplifting experience is said to be good to the mind and soul and will be enjoyed by all. And that is the basics of the human mating ritual._"

The room was eerily silent for the first ten minutes after this. After enough time had passed, Karol finally broke the awkward silence.

"Estelle...," Karol prodded cautiously, just as put out as everyone else in the room—not counting the princess and maybe the pleasantly smiling krityan. "Do you...do you even know what the...the 'third stage' of the 'human mating ritual' is? Like what kind of stuff people do to each other?"

Estelle cocked her head to the side. "Well, no, not really. I mean, I've only managed to read one of those fascinating books in the castle's library only a short while ago. And then Flynn found out that I was reading those books and promptly had the librarian remove any books related to the human mating ritual." She pouted slightly at the memory for a moment and then replaced that look for a sunny bright smile. She then added on as an afterthought as if it would make up for her lack of knowledge, "But I heard that it's positively _lovely_!"

There was another awkward silence.

Yuri cleared his throat. "Well after that _wonderful_ explanation of the…'human mating ritual'," here he choked out a barely restrained laugh at the phrase, "All of us are dying to know: did you guys do the dirty deed?"

All eyes turned to the newly married couple. In the background was Estelle, questioning to no one in particular: "Dirty deed? What dirty deed?"

Rita proceeded to choke on thin air. "No!" she finally screamed red in the face. "Don't make up weird things! I would never—we would never—that's…!" She shrieked in embarrassment and since the only person near her was Raven, she proceeded to punch him. Raven greatly protested this violent act of love.

"Aw, you two are just so cute," cooed Judith with a smile. "I'm sure you two will make wonderful parents."

Repede, who seemed to agree with her, barked.

"I would never want to do that _thing_ with that lecherous pervert!" Rita all but screamed.

"Nice ta know that I'm loved, darlin'," grumbled Raven with a sullen look on his face at her outright refusal.

"Yeah, but you're…you're _old_!" rebutted Rita.

"Yes, but age shouldn't matter when it comes to true love, Rita!" protested Estelle.

"What we have isn't even remotely _close_ to that true love crap!"

"Estelle's right," Judith chimed in, ignoring Rita's previous denial. "Love knows no boundaries."

Rita promptly gave up trying to defend her dignity and buried her head into her hands with a great heaving sigh full of annoyance and exasperation. "Ugh, whatever."

* * *

><p>"Yuri," Estelle said, tugging on his sleeve to get his attention.<p>

"Huh?" He turned his head towards her with a questioning look. "What is it, Estelle?"

"I want to try it to!"

"Try what?"

Estelle huffed in exasperation. "The human mating ritual, of course! It sounds so much fun! I want to do the human mating ritual with you, Yuri!"

At that very moment, Flynn happened to pass by the pair and overheard their conversation. He promptly fainted—in a very manly way, of course.

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><p><strong>AN:** And so the story as to how Rita and Raven got handcuffed to each other remains a mystery! Woot! Do handcuffs even exist in the game?

Oh, and in case any of you were wondering about how Rita and Raven managed to get married, well, in my mind I was thinking of something akin to those drive-through marriage houses like the ones that they have in Las Vegas. Yeah…something like that—minus the car of course.

Regarding Estelle: I haven't played Vesperia in a while but I remember Estelle having no clue about the dirty deed and all that good stuff. So how does she know about it in this story? Well seeing as this story is based approximately six years after the ending of the game, I suppose Estelle is bound to learn about sex sooner or later. But even though she's read about it, she doesn't actually know what it entails. So this is where her naivety kicks in.

Poor Flynn… -_-


End file.
